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Not Myself

He is standing right in front of me, his eyes on mine as I desperately search for some kind of escape.

As cliche as it sounds, his eyes really did have a hold on me.

And boy was I completely enchanted.

The words I use to describe how he makes me feel are both ridiculous and corny.

But also, very accurate.

The ‘uhs’ and the ‘ahs’ spew from my mouth as if they were the only two words in my vocabulary. He must have pegged me for superficial and mediocre, I imagine.

I tried my hardest to make a good first impression.

In retrospect, I probably just stared a lot.

Time played its part, and I grew. Not a lot, but enough to know what I wanted.

He was definitely a big part of it.

I am not a shy person. I know that much, and sometimes I even go as far as being a tad too cocky, or so I’ve been told.

That wasn't the case with him.

He'd say “Hello” and I’d immediately sink into a sea of cringe worthy mushiness.

It just wasn't me.

And I wasn't so sure I was fond of what he was doing to me.

I wasn't familiar with this side of myself.

And that scared me.

The more I talked to him, the more I came to realize how intimidated I was by him.

He wasn't just any other guy.

Let me warn you of the sheer cheesiness of the following statement.

He is handsome, he is smart, he is aware, he is refined, he is confident, he is all this and then some.

But oh! His smile. Don't even get me started on that.

I am intimidated by all these things and more.

My hands constantly shaking in his presence. Sweating beads when I hear him say my name. What is wrong with me? This isn't me.

I’m constantly smiling now. At my phone, at his messages, at his pictures, at this screen as I write this.

Legitimately smiling.

I have this recurring dream of him. Scratch that, its a recurring dream of how he makes me feel. And now every time I close my eyes and think of him, that feeling sweeps over me and takes over my body.

I will never find the words to describe that feeling, but I’m going to try as best I can right now.

'I’m standing, looking out into a field of whimsical lupines, captivated by their dance. I feel him shadowing me as he takes a step forward. And I’ve completely lost focus on everything but the feel of his warm breath against the back of my neck. I honestly feel it even now as I sit here thinking of him. Him being that close to me, as it sends this shiver down my spine all the way down to my knees, throwing me completely over the edge. In my dream, he never holds me, nor does he speak. I can't move, I can't turn to face him

nor can I ask him to come closer. I’m frustrated at myself, screaming silently for him to wrap his arms around me and end this blissful torture. But I don't. And he doesn't.'

I wake completely flustered and with memories of an ever so vivid dream in my head.

To this day I believe that if the moment ever presents itself, we’ll have exactly that kind of explosion of feelings.

I laugh as I write this, not knowing if that day shall ever come.

Till then I suppose I shall continue to live in a dream, with no complaints.

But one of these days, I hope to God he comes a little closer.

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